i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
