Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
