He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
