I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
