this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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