Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize