had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize