dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My vagina just clenched in fear
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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