Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
