No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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