shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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