I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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