The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
