Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
