I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
