I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
