piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
