nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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