my mouth tastes like poor choices
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
