my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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