he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
