btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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