My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
