In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
