i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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