any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize