god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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