I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
