Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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