Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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