OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
