Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
