Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
