So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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