We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
