It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
