I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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