I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
