My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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