just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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