Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
