did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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