i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
