I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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