Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
