I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
