i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
