i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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