walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
