She announced her abortion via fbk
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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