youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just threw up on my dentist
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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