I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
