No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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