STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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