I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
