As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
