I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
