were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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