just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
