Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
